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Feature: Geralt of Rivia is stopping me from enjoying The Witcher 3

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt Screenshots

The RPG has always been the genre that, for me, most fulfills the promise from well-meaning but essentially incorrect adults, who told me I could be whatever I wanted to be. RPGs allow one to have adventures that you could never have in real life, growing up in a semi-detached house where your bedroom window fell off and got replaced with a sheet of MDF. Real life does not afford one the opportunity of being the commander of a spaceship, the saviour of the whole galaxy who fell in love with a dying alien, or a mage calling down lightning to fry bandits where they stand. These possibilities always seemed infinitely more attractive than the water stain creeping under the distinctly not weatherproofed MDF.

People always say to me, ‘You should play The Witcher 3, you’d really like it. It’s way better than Dragon Age.’ And I say, ‘Are you sure?’ and those same people go ‘Yeah, I guarantee you’ll enjoy it.’ So I tried playing The Witcher 3, and bounced off it like it was a trampoline (one which I was getting double bounced from, because there were already two people fucking and a stuffed unicorn on it). In a show of good faith recently started playing it again — it is, after all, often hailed as one of the best RPGs ever made — and I think I have identified the problem.

Geralt is not an enjoyable protagonist for a game.

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